M...m...must....Avoid...Spoilers....

I am the ultimate procrastinator. I read the original Harry Potter book about 7 years ago. I really enjoyed it and couldn't wait for the next installment in the series. Then it came, and I had every intention of buying it and reading it, but I just never seemed to get around to it. Then came the third book, and then the fourth and the...well, you get the idea.

I was quite comfortable with the fact that the books would be around for quite some time and that I therefore had no reason to hurry up and get them. But then, a fire was lit under my feet. J.K. Rowling announced that a major character would die in the final book. Now I positively had to read the books before the last one came out. It just wouldn't do to have some obnoxious git blurt out the big secret and ruin all the other reading that I had ahead of me. But, I thought, it will probably be awhile before the final book comes out. So....

Now it's here. All my friends have read it. Everybody is writing about it and talking about it, and what sorry state am I in? I just finished book #2 two days ago. Now I am trapped in a prison of my own making. The danger of accidentally stumbling across the BIG SECRET is overwhelming. I am now afraid to read blogs, news sites, web forums. If I even hear the name Harry Potter, I find myself running frantically in the opposite direction. I'm even afraid to open the front door for fear of being confronted by missionaries from some religious group gleefully bearing the bad news ("this week in The Watchtower: Harry Potter Character [Insert Name Here] Dead, but the Wickedness Lives On," or "in this month's Ensign: Family Home Evening Activities to Help Your Children Cope with the Death of [Harry Potter Mystery Character]"). Even the mailman can't be trusted ("Hello, Mr. Kungfupower. Nice day isn't it? A pity about [dead HP dude], though."

I thought about filling my ears with beeswax and covering my head with a paper sack in order to further protect myself while out and about in public, but that makes driving far too difficult. I think my only hope is to avoid others as much as possible, lock myself away during every free hour I have, and read until my eyes are throbbing with pain. Much sacrifice will be necessary to make up for years worth of callous neglect, but Kungfupower is up to the challenge.

And a warning to any vile miscreant who may foolishly seek to amuse himself by daring to reveal the Sacred Secret in my presence: if you do so, your empty noggin shall be swiftly introduced to the dire effects of Kungfupower's perfected Drunken Panda Falls From Heaven Iron Paw of Death technique.

It's best that you don't even think about it.