I Am a Jerk

Sunday night I decided to drive out to Long Beach and play at the Auld Dubliner's Sunday night Irish music jam. I had a great time and was able to reconnect with some terrific people I had not seen in a long time. Unfortunately, during all the fun, I forgot to have my parking validated. When I reached the parking lot exit, I was greeted by quite a rude surprise.

"That will be $10.50," the gate attendant dutifully informed me.

I felt my blood rush to my face, and the tension build from my shoulders and quickly spread all the way down to my hands, causing me to grip the steering wheel with such intensity that I though I might actually rip it off the the steering column completely.

$10.50??? For parking????

Before I knew it, a string of words like "rip off" and "scam" were pouring from my mouth, liberally sprinkled with words of a coarser nature normally reserved for use in more nautical settings. The righteous indignation which had so utterly taken control of my very being was of a degree that would normally be aimed at black market kidney smugglers, Nazis, and people who urinate on public toilet seats.

While none of my impotent invective was hurled directly at the person in the booth, I am certain that listening to ill-tempered motorists grumbling vulgarities is probably low on the list of things he loves about his job, falling somewhere between the low pay and the lack of bathroom opportunities. Of course, for all my complaining, I still had to pay the $10.50, and I certainly didn't feel any better about it. All that I managed to accomplish with my peevish tirade was to make myself look like an uncouth lout in front of a complete stranger.

Bravo.

T.G.I.F.

As many of my friends know, I was unemployed for a number of months until I managed to secure employment last July. I was grateful to have the job too, because I was about to run out of money, and having money is much better than not having money. If you don't agree, then try buying a pepperoni Hot Pocket® with nothing but a losing lottery ticket and a heart full of song. That and two quarters will get you a phone call, or maybe some watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

I really wanted to rock at this new job. I had such high aspirations when I first started. I was going to take the company by storm, work hard, diligently apply myself and rise through the ranks until I could eventually acquire enough power to funnel the corporation's vast revenues into fulfilling my lifelong dream of creating a vast army of atomic-powered laser-shooting titanium-shelled super robots capable of taking over the world and executing my every capricious decree with ruthless efficiency. But I think, that every mature working adult realizes that there comes a time when even the purest of aspirations have a way of being brutally crushed by the unforgiving weight of unmitigated laziness.

Actually, "laziness" is a label that stupid people give to a psychological phenomenon that is actually complex in its pathology and diverse in its manifestations. When I was a young man of about 19, I was feeling unexplainably unmotivated and unfulfilled by my work as a gas station attendant. In an attempt to determine the mysterious causes of my distressed mental state, I went to a psychiatrist who ran a rather thorough battery of medical and psychological tests. In the end, I was diagnosed with a condition called Work-Avoidant Personality Disorder, which the DSM IV describes as a psychopathological disorder characterized by hypothyroidism, low levels of serotonin in the blood and abnormally high levels of lead in the ass. At last, a diagnosis that made sense! I was able to treat my condition by reading comic books at work and leaving all the really boring work for the Mexican guy who worked the shift after me. He seemed to enjoy that stuff, whereas I was unfairly saddled with a condition that stole away all the excitement and glamor of emptying trash, mopping floors and cleaning toilets and rendered these tasks colorless, tedius and dull to my poor addled mind.

So this explains why, after just 4 months of working at my new job, my dreams of promotion have been replaced by daydreams about Don Knotts and Bob Denver slugging it out in a no-holds-barred cage match to the death. Instead of spending my free time reading policies and procedures on the company website, I spend that time reading the backs of my eyelids. I am not a bad person...I am a victim of nature.

The Meme to End All Memes

I got bored with some of the lame memes that have been floating around out there, so I decided to make a lame meme of my own. It will probably never get anywhere, but oh well.

1. If you could change your name to anything you wanted, what would you change it to?
Señor Mojito Fandango

2. Do any of your friends have a nickname for you? If so, what is it?
One of the girls at work calls me Yum Yum. Josh calls me Frank the Tank. Ariana calls me Gordo and a whole host of other unsavory Spanish words.

3. While taking a leisurely stroll on Magic Gumdrop Island, you are suddenly pelted in the head by an errant jellybean. What are the first words out of your mouth?
"Son of a biscuit eatin' dog!"

4. If you could reincarnate as another animal, what would it be?
A house cat. That's the life.

5. Jedi or Sith?
Jedi, with a blue lightsaber.

6. What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Breaded, deep fried mountain oysters.

7. If you could live anywhere in reality or fantasy, where would it be?
Monster Island, or maybe Greece

8. If you could date anybody in reality or in fantasy, who would it be?
Linda Carter's version of Wonder Woman

9. Are there any languages that you would like to learn, but have absolutely no reason to learn?
Swahili and Anglo Saxon

10. If you were a superhero, what would your superpower(s) be?
I would want to be telekinetic and telepathic, but I'd probably get stuck with something stupid like hyper-seismic flatulence.

11. In one sentence or less, describe the strangest dream you've ever had.
Flesh-eating zombie trucker ate my face and then feasted on my innards (seriously--this was a real dream of mine).

12. On a scale from one to ten, just how awesome is Alan Arkin?
Fifteen

13. What is an appropriate punishment for peeing on a public toilet seat?
I think a flogging will suffice...as long as it's done with a rabid cobra wearing a steel helmet crusted with shards of broken glass dipped in salt.

14. You are a mad scientist bent on world domination. You create a monster to challenge the earth. Describe it.
I combined a horse, a bearded dragon, a giant squid and Abe Vigoda and bombarded them with gamma rays till they fused together and grew 600 feet tall. My monster is called King Vigodora and can smash buildings with its giant hooves and lizard tail, shoot tentacles from its chest, and breathe radioactive fire. It also makes frequent cameo appearances on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

15. If the ghost of Don Knotts came to you and offered to grant you three wishes, what would you wish for?
1) an attractive and healthy body
2) all the gold and jewels in the world
3) a way for all the people of the world to live in perfect peace...out of stark terror of the horrific punishment that would befall them should they anger me, their supreme master and all-powerful ruler of mankind

Please share the joy by reposting this survey, but with your own answers, of course, and then send it to, like, 5 other people and try to see if you can get them to do it too. They probably won't, but at least you gave it the old college try, eh?