Monkey Shines: An Experiment in Futility

Hello again, gentle readers. I just wanted to check in and fill you in on the latest. It would appear that, so far, the Million Monkey Typewriter Consortium has hit the proverbial wall in its attempt to provide usable material for Kungfupower Blog. However, since I am paying tens of dollars annually for this service (and because I'm out of haiku), I have decided to post some of the more legible bits that have emerged just so that you can see the difficulty I am facing with this project. These fragments are quoted directly, in all of their random glory, but please bear in mind that the writers of said fragments are, in fact, just monkeys with tiny little monkey brains...pounding randomly on typewriters. I apologize in advance.

Example 1:
"...he;;placedhis hand.onher\gen7tly heaving;;;;; can.of p0rkandsbeans..."

ooh la la...très romantique, non?

Example 2:
"...your a grea tguy;donteve.r;changge :P..."

Something like this was written numerous times in my high school yearbook, but that was a completely different set of monkeys at work there.

Example 3:
"...0bama-fo;rchangeyukanbe.lievin..."

I've long suspected that campaign slogans were acquired by this method, and here's the smoking gun!

Example 4:
"...E=mc3..."

So close! Keep trying, little monkey!

And last but not least, here is my personal favorite:

"...poopiefartstinkcookieapple..."

I'm going to have a t-shirt made with that one.

Nevertheless, despite these minor setbacks, I still have faith in the monkey thing. It is a good plan and just needs time to work. If there's one thing I've learned from living in California and observing the goings on in Sacramento for the past 8 years, it's that there is no problem too big that it can't eventually be fixed by a large room full of monkeys throwing vast sums of money down a black hole.

Why Don't You Take a Haiku

The three people who actually read Kungfupower Blog (I shall call them The Triumvirate) have been after me for the past year to start posting again. I, on the other hand, have been suffering from a complete lack of inspiration and have repeatedly ignored their entreaties out of a callous sense of personal laziness. Now, after a 14-month absence from the blogosphere, here I am, writing up a storm. So what changed? Have I suddenly been gobsmacked by the blog muses? Has inspiration quietly crept into my bedroom and laid its eggs in my ear while I slept? The answer to both of these questions is: "probably not." What has happened, though, is that Kungfupower Blog is now joining the 21st century and, in the spirit of true globalism, we have decided to begin outsourcing. That's right, KFP has hired a collective of foreign (animal) workers, known as The Million Monkey Typewriter Consortium, to help keep things running smoothly here at the blog. My one-million-monkey typing pool will pound out random keystrokes 24-7-365, and whatever nuggets of coherence emerge from this vast ocean of output will be certain to keep The Triumvirate well and truly diverted for many years to come.

Unfortunately, the monkeys have not, as of yet, produced anything remotely readable, so I have taken it upon myself to fill the void with some haiku which I wrote. Enjoy.

I.
Line one: just five beats.
Line two: five beats plus two more.
Line three: see line one.

II.
Japanese cuisine
Next to tropical fish store...
I will not eat there.

III.
Small child stares at me,
The fat man in the red shirt.
She thinks I'm Santa.

IV.
Blonde hair like sunbeams
The vast blue sky in her eyes
Summer in her smile

V.
Those dogs keep barking
and barking and barking and...
Oh, please do shut up.

VI.
The warm night breeze moans.
Wind chimes tinkle dreamily.
Brilliant loneliness.

VII.
Tonight's moon looks close.
Maybe she is coming here.
I should hide my beer.

VIII.
She still has those eyes -
Her sad smile made my heart ache
Once upon a time....

IX.
Blank piece of paper.
I wait for inspiration.
Harsh mistress, haiku.