I Am a Jerk

Sunday night I decided to drive out to Long Beach and play at the Auld Dubliner's Sunday night Irish music jam. I had a great time and was able to reconnect with some terrific people I had not seen in a long time. Unfortunately, during all the fun, I forgot to have my parking validated. When I reached the parking lot exit, I was greeted by quite a rude surprise.

"That will be $10.50," the gate attendant dutifully informed me.

I felt my blood rush to my face, and the tension build from my shoulders and quickly spread all the way down to my hands, causing me to grip the steering wheel with such intensity that I though I might actually rip it off the the steering column completely.

$10.50??? For parking????

Before I knew it, a string of words like "rip off" and "scam" were pouring from my mouth, liberally sprinkled with words of a coarser nature normally reserved for use in more nautical settings. The righteous indignation which had so utterly taken control of my very being was of a degree that would normally be aimed at black market kidney smugglers, Nazis, and people who urinate on public toilet seats.

While none of my impotent invective was hurled directly at the person in the booth, I am certain that listening to ill-tempered motorists grumbling vulgarities is probably low on the list of things he loves about his job, falling somewhere between the low pay and the lack of bathroom opportunities. Of course, for all my complaining, I still had to pay the $10.50, and I certainly didn't feel any better about it. All that I managed to accomplish with my peevish tirade was to make myself look like an uncouth lout in front of a complete stranger.

Bravo.

T.G.I.F.

As many of my friends know, I was unemployed for a number of months until I managed to secure employment last July. I was grateful to have the job too, because I was about to run out of money, and having money is much better than not having money. If you don't agree, then try buying a pepperoni Hot Pocket® with nothing but a losing lottery ticket and a heart full of song. That and two quarters will get you a phone call, or maybe some watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

I really wanted to rock at this new job. I had such high aspirations when I first started. I was going to take the company by storm, work hard, diligently apply myself and rise through the ranks until I could eventually acquire enough power to funnel the corporation's vast revenues into fulfilling my lifelong dream of creating a vast army of atomic-powered laser-shooting titanium-shelled super robots capable of taking over the world and executing my every capricious decree with ruthless efficiency. But I think, that every mature working adult realizes that there comes a time when even the purest of aspirations have a way of being brutally crushed by the unforgiving weight of unmitigated laziness.

Actually, "laziness" is a label that stupid people give to a psychological phenomenon that is actually complex in its pathology and diverse in its manifestations. When I was a young man of about 19, I was feeling unexplainably unmotivated and unfulfilled by my work as a gas station attendant. In an attempt to determine the mysterious causes of my distressed mental state, I went to a psychiatrist who ran a rather thorough battery of medical and psychological tests. In the end, I was diagnosed with a condition called Work-Avoidant Personality Disorder, which the DSM IV describes as a psychopathological disorder characterized by hypothyroidism, low levels of serotonin in the blood and abnormally high levels of lead in the ass. At last, a diagnosis that made sense! I was able to treat my condition by reading comic books at work and leaving all the really boring work for the Mexican guy who worked the shift after me. He seemed to enjoy that stuff, whereas I was unfairly saddled with a condition that stole away all the excitement and glamor of emptying trash, mopping floors and cleaning toilets and rendered these tasks colorless, tedius and dull to my poor addled mind.

So this explains why, after just 4 months of working at my new job, my dreams of promotion have been replaced by daydreams about Don Knotts and Bob Denver slugging it out in a no-holds-barred cage match to the death. Instead of spending my free time reading policies and procedures on the company website, I spend that time reading the backs of my eyelids. I am not a bad person...I am a victim of nature.

The Meme to End All Memes

I got bored with some of the lame memes that have been floating around out there, so I decided to make a lame meme of my own. It will probably never get anywhere, but oh well.

1. If you could change your name to anything you wanted, what would you change it to?
Señor Mojito Fandango

2. Do any of your friends have a nickname for you? If so, what is it?
One of the girls at work calls me Yum Yum. Josh calls me Frank the Tank. Ariana calls me Gordo and a whole host of other unsavory Spanish words.

3. While taking a leisurely stroll on Magic Gumdrop Island, you are suddenly pelted in the head by an errant jellybean. What are the first words out of your mouth?
"Son of a biscuit eatin' dog!"

4. If you could reincarnate as another animal, what would it be?
A house cat. That's the life.

5. Jedi or Sith?
Jedi, with a blue lightsaber.

6. What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Breaded, deep fried mountain oysters.

7. If you could live anywhere in reality or fantasy, where would it be?
Monster Island, or maybe Greece

8. If you could date anybody in reality or in fantasy, who would it be?
Linda Carter's version of Wonder Woman

9. Are there any languages that you would like to learn, but have absolutely no reason to learn?
Swahili and Anglo Saxon

10. If you were a superhero, what would your superpower(s) be?
I would want to be telekinetic and telepathic, but I'd probably get stuck with something stupid like hyper-seismic flatulence.

11. In one sentence or less, describe the strangest dream you've ever had.
Flesh-eating zombie trucker ate my face and then feasted on my innards (seriously--this was a real dream of mine).

12. On a scale from one to ten, just how awesome is Alan Arkin?
Fifteen

13. What is an appropriate punishment for peeing on a public toilet seat?
I think a flogging will suffice...as long as it's done with a rabid cobra wearing a steel helmet crusted with shards of broken glass dipped in salt.

14. You are a mad scientist bent on world domination. You create a monster to challenge the earth. Describe it.
I combined a horse, a bearded dragon, a giant squid and Abe Vigoda and bombarded them with gamma rays till they fused together and grew 600 feet tall. My monster is called King Vigodora and can smash buildings with its giant hooves and lizard tail, shoot tentacles from its chest, and breathe radioactive fire. It also makes frequent cameo appearances on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

15. If the ghost of Don Knotts came to you and offered to grant you three wishes, what would you wish for?
1) an attractive and healthy body
2) all the gold and jewels in the world
3) a way for all the people of the world to live in perfect peace...out of stark terror of the horrific punishment that would befall them should they anger me, their supreme master and all-powerful ruler of mankind

Please share the joy by reposting this survey, but with your own answers, of course, and then send it to, like, 5 other people and try to see if you can get them to do it too. They probably won't, but at least you gave it the old college try, eh?

Trippy Cell Phone Picture

My co-worker, Ariana, was looking through the Arbonne f.y.i. catalogue. When I looked over, what I saw made me do a double take. Unfortunately, I moved too slowly to capture the moment on my phone's camera, but Ariana was kind enough to recreate the moment for me:

Man Up!

At my Sunday night study group, a short conversation arose as to the meaning and origin of terms such as "man up" or "cowboy up." The general consensus that emerged regarding the meaning of the phrase "man up" was that it served as an exhortation to draw upon some hidden resource of courage when confronted with a pressing danger or obstacle, such as beginning a difficult new job, facing a need to make sacrifices for one's family, or fending off an attack by killer bees. It was also generally agreed that the term "cowboy up" was a redneck version of the term "man up," implying a more Coors-beer-oriented strain of courage, presumably resulting in a display of dominance over some sort of livestock.

Among the members of my study group, there was virtually no knowledge as to the origin of the term "man up" or of its redneck variant. This piqued my feline sense of curiosity, and I commenced to undertake a bit of research on the subject.

According to Professor Nigel Mincemeat of St. Fuzzyknickers College of Ancient Literature and Automotive Maintenance at Oxford, Mississippi, the term "man up" has its roots in the works of the Classical Greeks. The almost forgotten poet Efeminades in his epic poem The Viriliad, wrote of the hero Virilides--wielder of the Lance of Apollo--and of his quest for the Golden Eggs of Zeus. Virilides manages to find the Golden Eggs in a cave, places them in a sack, and tries to abscond with the treasure, but he is confronted by the horrifying monster, Kakogynos, who guards them. Describing the ensuing battle, The Viriliad reads:

"...and, manning up,
Virilides did grab his sack and thrust forth his mighty lance
to penetrate the throbbing heart of the beast."

The phrase has also been found in a little-known 13th Century English manuscript found in the Abbey of St. Conan Comedianus in Co. Limerick, Ireland. It is a text of instruction in the proper technique of killing spiders:

"...an werre thar nary a nobbin fer ye runnin, than whar ye goin to lang aboon upon yon stoole, in ye stead of cowardise, ye do mann up fer to aplye yon heele upon beastie fer to grine unto the erthe..."

One of the more interesting uses of the phrase was found in a work of somewhat dubious origin. In 1987, one Joey Smits claimed to have been revealed a new faith. The basis of this new faith lay in his discovery of a stack of golden cocktail napkins hidden in a barstool in the Cumorah Tavern in Syracuse, NY. According to Smits, the napkins were of antediluvian origin and written in a language called Reconfigured Sumerian, which he was able to translate with the aid of a sacred Sumerian shot glass which he called "The Wallbanger." One of the fruits of Smits' "translation" efforts was The Book of Nehi, from the second chapter of which came the following verses:

17. And it came to pass that Nehi was joined unto Pepsi, the daughter of Pibb, and was bound through an oath of honor to marry her.

18. And lo, Nehi did look upon her and found her visage to be exceeding loathsome and a vile sight.

19. But behold, the LORD was with Nehi.

20. And verily did Nehi man up and lo, he did know his wife, yea, numerous times. And verily was he blessed with many sons, bearing semblance to their mother in no wise.

In summation, as can be seen from the following examples, the term "man up" may quite possibly be much older than any of us can imagine. So the next time one of your buddies is whining about how he feels unfulfilled in his career, hated by his own children, and rejected by his wife, stand proudly with countless generations of mighty warriors before you and tell him to "man up" and shut up! Only by pushing all those troublesome thoughts down into some deep dark place we can all hope to stand triumphant as men!

M...m...must....Avoid...Spoilers....

I am the ultimate procrastinator. I read the original Harry Potter book about 7 years ago. I really enjoyed it and couldn't wait for the next installment in the series. Then it came, and I had every intention of buying it and reading it, but I just never seemed to get around to it. Then came the third book, and then the fourth and the...well, you get the idea.

I was quite comfortable with the fact that the books would be around for quite some time and that I therefore had no reason to hurry up and get them. But then, a fire was lit under my feet. J.K. Rowling announced that a major character would die in the final book. Now I positively had to read the books before the last one came out. It just wouldn't do to have some obnoxious git blurt out the big secret and ruin all the other reading that I had ahead of me. But, I thought, it will probably be awhile before the final book comes out. So....

Now it's here. All my friends have read it. Everybody is writing about it and talking about it, and what sorry state am I in? I just finished book #2 two days ago. Now I am trapped in a prison of my own making. The danger of accidentally stumbling across the BIG SECRET is overwhelming. I am now afraid to read blogs, news sites, web forums. If I even hear the name Harry Potter, I find myself running frantically in the opposite direction. I'm even afraid to open the front door for fear of being confronted by missionaries from some religious group gleefully bearing the bad news ("this week in The Watchtower: Harry Potter Character [Insert Name Here] Dead, but the Wickedness Lives On," or "in this month's Ensign: Family Home Evening Activities to Help Your Children Cope with the Death of [Harry Potter Mystery Character]"). Even the mailman can't be trusted ("Hello, Mr. Kungfupower. Nice day isn't it? A pity about [dead HP dude], though."

I thought about filling my ears with beeswax and covering my head with a paper sack in order to further protect myself while out and about in public, but that makes driving far too difficult. I think my only hope is to avoid others as much as possible, lock myself away during every free hour I have, and read until my eyes are throbbing with pain. Much sacrifice will be necessary to make up for years worth of callous neglect, but Kungfupower is up to the challenge.

And a warning to any vile miscreant who may foolishly seek to amuse himself by daring to reveal the Sacred Secret in my presence: if you do so, your empty noggin shall be swiftly introduced to the dire effects of Kungfupower's perfected Drunken Panda Falls From Heaven Iron Paw of Death technique.

It's best that you don't even think about it.

The Curse of Indecision

This evening, while I was watching TV and winding down from a tiring day, I was given a clear choice. My mother, who was in the kitchen setting the table, shouted to me: "What do you want to drink?"

I thought about the sodas that were in the fridge. Did I want Sierra Mist or Caffeine-free Diet Pepsi? The choice was simple, but I couldn't seem to decide. "What are we having for dinner?" I shouted back, hoping that this knowledge would make the choice easier.

"Hamburger and scalloped potatoes," shouted Mother.

No good. Either of those drinks would do. Yet I was paralyzed with indecision, and too tired to be bothered with it. Impelled by a lazy desire to shirk the responsibility that had been placed before me, I shouted back again: "Surprise me."

Relieved at successfully having passed the buck, I returned to my TV-watching pursuits.

Momentarily, the call for supper was made and my step-father and I dutifully filed in to commence chowing down. I looked to the table and saw two caffeine-free Diet Pepsi colas--one for Mother and one for Father. I looked to my place setting, lazily curious as to what had been chosen for me.

There at my end of the table, standing as strangely out of place as a hippie at a policeman's ball, was a tall, cool, half-finished jar of La Victoria Thick and Chunky Salsa.

I had been well and duly surprised.

Awesome Kung Fu Action Pics!

We all know that kung fu rules, right? Of course we do. It's even more awesome than ninjas, but only by a little. So, gentle reader, as a reward for your acknowledgment of kung fu's supremacy above all fighting arts, I have decided to reward you with awesome kung fu images I found online. Please enjoy.

"Nun"-Chucks! Get it?

Hilarious Harry Potter Video

If you are a Harry Potter fan, then be sure to check out Erica's blog for an awesome Harry Potter vid she found on YouTube. It's pure comedy!

Obligatory Sexual Harassment Post

So, I finally found a job! I started training there on Monday. I will be working as a customer service representative for a cosmetics company. I myself do not use cosmetics, but I have a lifelong preoccupation with many of those who do.

On Monday we had the obligatory warning speech and paperwork signing with HR. Of course, the subject of sexual harassment came up, as it always does. I looked toward the wall and rolled my eyes. "There they go again," I thought. It's always been a touchy subject for me. The HR representative was reading her little sheet full of examples of behaviors that could constitute sexual harassment. When she read the words "unwanted advances," something stirred within me.

"That's not fair," I protested. "All of my advances are unwanted."

The HR rep was phased for a moment, then she looked at her sheet again. She nodded her head as if confirming something to herself. "Well," she replied, "'unwanted' does appear to be the keyword here."

Touché.

Oshikku Deru Deru Shiipappa

While looking for information about sumo, I somehow managed to stumble on this delightful little gem. It's just too awesome not to share with everybody. My favorite part is about 29 seconds into the video where his parents shout "Shimajiro, let's go for it together!" and he gives that determined little nod. He looks like a samurai facing battle. Also amusing was the little guy at the end shooting his fist into the air and shouting "Yatta!" meaning "Hooray!" or "I did it!" After expending so much effort in pursuit of a worthy goal, it's good to feel a proud sense of accomplishment.

(Unfortunately, the original YouTube video was taken down, but here is a link to another version of it, without subtitles. Unfortunately, that version won't allow me to embed the video.)

And for those of you who would like to sing along:

oshikko deru deru
shiipappa
shiipappa
shiipa shiipa
oshikko shiipappa

unchi deru deru
unpappa
uunpappa
unpa unpa
unchi uunpappa

It just another example of how the Japanese make everything look totally awesome!

Honey & Clover

A few days ago I finished watching season 1 of Honey & Clover, so I decided to write a brief post about my impressions.

Since I started watching anime about 2 years ago, I have been quite partial to slice of life stories. I enjoy animes like Diamond Daydreams, Welcome to the NHK, and Bartender. Of the relatively few animes I have seen over these last two years, Honey & Clover is definitely one of the best.

Honey & Clover follows the lives of five Japanese art school students as they each work through a very difficult period of change and self-discovery. The main characters are Yūta Takemoto, a shy yet earnest young 2nd year art student; Takumi Mayama, a serious student in his last year of art school; Ayumi Yamada, an attractive and extremely talented young potter; Shinobu Morita, an mysterious, insanely greedy yet strangely compelling individual repeating his "final" year of art school for the 3rd time; Hagumi Hanamoto ("Hagu" for short), a brilliant 18-year-old sculptor with the appearance and general demeanor of a much younger girl; and Shūji Hanamoto, an art school professor and guardian of Hagu, his late cousin's daughter.

Upon meeting her, Takemoto immediately falls in love with Hagu, whom he finds intriguing. Morita is also taken with Hagu, and expresses his feelings in ways that horribly frighten poor Hagu-chan, such as posing her to look like a forest fairy or a mouse and then frantically snapping picture after picture of his adorable creation. The beautiful Yamada, though adored by almost all of her male acquaintances, is in love with Mayama. Although aware of Yamada's feelings for him, Mayama is obsessed instead with an older woman by the name of Rika Harada. Rika had lost her husband in an auto accident and bears both the physical and emotional scars of that horrible day. As a result, she is withdrawn and aloof, pushing Mayama away out of fear of hurting him.

The tensions of this thorny situation are punctuated by moments of uproarious hilarity, almost always inspired by some outrageous plot or behavior of Morita's. In one such instance (episode 8), Morita creates a Twister-like game mat to give to Takemoto as a last-minute birthday gift, but he uses too many colors (such as lapis, moss green, ocher, mineral violet, and passion blue to name a few). The contortions needed to cover the proper colors result in both Morita and Takemoto injuring themselves during the game and collapsing in a depleted heap of lifeless limbs.

There are also moments of tender poignancy throughout. In one of the most memorable scenes (episode 6), Mayama has to carry Yamada, who has had too much to drink at a party, back to her house. On the way, Yamada breaks into tears, desperately repeating "suki" ("I love you"), to Mayama, who soberly acknowledges her with gentle grunts. She is precious to him, but he doesn't love her the way she loves him, and probably never will.

It is this delicate combination of pain and humor that make this anime such a pleasure to watch. After following the story of these characters, it is easy to become attached to them and to identify with their sadness as well as their joy. It was difficult having to watch it come to an end. I am sure it will be quite some time before we shall see the likes of another series so rich in heart and humanity and beauty.

Awesome Godzilla Tokyo Pics

In response to one of my recent blog posts Janelle, an old friend of mine from high school, sent me a couple of pictures that she took while she was living in Japan. They are pictures of a Godzilla statue which sits in Tokyo's Hibiya Park. Fortunately for you all, she has given me permission to post them on Kungfupower Blog. Thanks, Janelle! Enjoy, kids!

Even though Godzilla has visited and ravaged Tokyo numerous times, mastery of the language somehow eludes him still...

"Yo! Mothra! Where you at, dawg?
We still goin' out for noodles, or what?"

Janelle comes face to face with the horror...

Weird Recurring Dream

Last night I had it again. It's this really strange recurring dream where I'm driving around town, but I'm driving from the passenger side. There's no one in the driver's seat, and I have to reach over to the driver's side to steer. I have no idea who's operating the brakes and gas, but that detail doesn't come to mind while I'm dreaming. Also, there's never any clear reason why I'm driving this way. In the dream, I think about how unsafe this must be, and I fear getting pulled over by the police. In last night's dream, I almost was pulled over by the police, but I woke up just in time. Thank goodness. I hear that dream traffic court is a real bear.

I ran a Google search and found this interesting interpretation from a website called Dreamcrowd.com: "If you are driving from the passenger side of a car, then it suggests that you are trying to gain control of the path that your life is taking. You are beginning to make your own decisions." Whatever. Maybe there's something to that, but isn't that the case with 90% of people out there?

I think the real reason may have more to do with the fact that I went to bed hungry. Maybe if I have a small snack before bedtime, then that will keep the dream-police at bay and my dream insurance company won't be able raise my premiums! That sounds like a good reason for a bedtime milk-and-cookie snack!

How King Ghidora and Godzilla Crashed Our 4th of July

Spending the 4th of July with my folks this years was pleasant. I got to watch my stories with Mother (I sure hope they don't have Chelsea Brady break up with Nick Fallon and hook up with Jet Carver—unless they soften the blow by pairing the super-geeky Nick with someone even hotter, but smart this time). After the soap, Mom retired to the kitchen to whip up some of her famous macaroni salad (which I won't eat because of my aversion to freshly-cut chives and all other raw onion-like substances). While she was in the kitchen busily preparing her Epicurean classic—and the pungent sulphuric aroma of freshly cut chives began to fill the room—I decided to see what was on TV. While flipping through the channels in the hope of finding something interesting, I had a little thought. I said to Mother, "You know what would make this 4th of July even better?"

"What?" inquired Mother.

"A Godzilla Marathon!" I retorted, enthusiastically. Mother shook her head in dismayed resignation and returned to her gourmet task.

I continued flipping through channels, hoping for the impossible, then—SHAZAM!—there it was! As if in answer to a prayer, the program display showed four back-to back, commercial-free episodes of Godzilla movies! What joy! Then, as if that weren't enough, one of those movies was none other than the glorious 1991 Toho Productions masterpiece Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah!

So there you go, kids—if you wish hard enough, sometimes you can have it all!

July 4th Redux

[This was a blog entry that I had originally published on my MySpace Blog on July 4th of last year. The MySpace blog is now defunct, but I rather liked this post, so I decided to post it again on this blog. After the entry is a YouTube video with clips of this year's show (which was at the same location as the show referenced in this post). Sorry about the quality—the videos were taken with my cell phone. —Kungfupower]

Shooting up into the sky, a ball of flame with a tail of white fire, rapidly climbing like an eagle on the wind. Then, an explosion of fiery sparks—glowing blue, then red, then white—scattering out suddenly, then gently cascading back toward the earth whence it came. This, of course was Kungfupower perfecting his Phoenix Fire-Fist Falls from Heaven Technique—a technique in which so much chi power emanates from Kungfupower's body, that it would surely melt away the eyes of anyone unfortunate enough to gaze upon it.

After a productive Kung Fu work-out session, it was time to go see a fireworks show.

Fireworks were invented in China, as was Kung Fu. Even today, the best fireworks can be found there. In China, there can be found shells that explode and form dragons in the sky. There are others that form luminescent cubes, shimmering with all the colors of the rainbow. There are even some that create patterns of such glorious complexity, that mathematicians have been driven mad in contemplating their beauty. Kungfupower saw none of these.

Even so, the fireworks show was both beautiful and thrilling, conjuring up memories of a time long ago, when innocence and wonder were the windows through which the world was still seen—a place small and cozy and safe, yet infinitely fascinating. Every summer, the rich kaleidoscope of light that danced across the sky in hues of green, white, purple, red, and blue was a welcome addition to the rich tapestry of experience being eagerly explored and assimilated by a young and curious mind. These brilliant flowers of light had the power to startle with the voice of thunder, then soothe with the chromatic iridescence of a rainbow in a waterfall. Watching this show from a strip mall parking lot in Tustin, CA, I was pleased to discover that the years that have passed have not diminished the power of this yearly ritual to quicken and to calm, and to coax the mirthful laughter of unbounded joy from some secret place long forgotten.

Oh Snap! I've Been Tagged!

RULES:
1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I play Irish traditional music on the flute and whistle. See...here's proof.

2. I use Ubuntu Linux on my computer about 80% of the time.

3. When I was in the fourth grade, I memorized Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven for a poetry/speech competition. I came in third place behind a girl presenting Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address and another girl who recited Shel Silverstein's Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take the Garbage Out.

4. I watch Days of our Lives almost every day. I likes mah stories.

5. I think that the three most charismatic actors in Hollywood today are Morgan Freeman, Don Cheadle and Peter Dinklage.

6. My favorite beverage is beer.

7. I think rodents are awesome and have kept quite a few as pets over the years.

8. If I could have three wishes from a genie, they would be: an attractive and healthy body, never having to sleep, and ridiculously large piles of American cash (or maybe piles of Euros would be better).

Tagged:

Father Michael
Beniy

That's it. I don't have any more blogger friends.

King Ghidorah Lives!

When I was a little kid living in Kingman, Arizona, I used to get up every Saturday morning and watch a television show called World Beyond. It was my favorite show because it would present monster movies of every kind imaginable. This is where I was first exposed to the old Hammer Studios movies, Vincent Price movies, The Blob, and other movies of the same ilk. These movies were a lot of fun, to be sure, but they weren't what I most liked on World Beyond. Every Saturday morning when I tuned in, my young little heart would await in gleeful anticipation the announcement of this week's feature in the hopes of hearing one name: Godzilla!

I loved Godzilla movies. There was nothing more exciting to me than watching giant monsters collide with each other in the middle of Tokyo, or Osaka, or Planet X, or Monster Island. I thrilled at the moment of discovery when their varied monster powers were revealed for the first time. Some could breathe fire. Others shot electricity or beams of light. Some could even fly.

Out of all of Godzilla's formidable nemeses, not one of them was as awesome looking and as powerful as King Ghidorah. With his scaly gold skin and his three dragon-like heads and his huge bat-like wings, he was a glorious sight to behold! He could fly and shoot what looked like lightning bolts (they were actually called gravity beams) from all three of his mouths. He was the destroyer of worlds and the greatest threat that humanity had ever faced since the advent of nuclear weapons. In the movie Ghidorah: The Three-Headed Monster, Godzilla needed the help of both Rodan and Mothra just to defeat him!

Back in those days, I used to look out my bedroom window and imagine King Ghidorah on the distant horizon, slowly but steadily lumbering toward my house with his three heads bobbling wildly, shooting bolts of electric death to everything in his path. A friend of mine once told me that he had always believed as a kid (and probably still does to this day) that his love for Godzilla would protect him from being destroyed if Godzilla were ever to destroy his hometown. In contrast, I always knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that if King Ghidorah ever visited Kingman, AZ, I was most definitely going to be toast. He was a remorseless badass.

That's why I was absolutely overjoyed when that same Godzilla-loving friend of mine surprised me with the coolest gift I have received in a long time—a King Ghidorah action figure. My pictures don't really do it justice because my camera is not very good at taking close-up shots, but it is an awesome-looking toy. He now sits atop my computer monitor, standing guard in case any other 9" plastic monsters should enter my room with an eye toward creating mischief. Thanks, Brian, for the coolest present I've received in a long time!

[It should also be noted, that whenever Brian and I play Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee on his XBox, I always play King Ghidorah and he always plays Godzilla. I have yet to beat him.]

Satoshi Kon's "Paprika"

I have been a fan of Satoshi Kon ever since I first started watching his anime series Paranoia Agent on Adult Swim. The story was a fascinating look at a variety of social concerns, most notably the blurring of the distinction between fantasy and reality in both the media and in society at large. I also really loved the character design and the intricately detailed artistry of the backgrounds. I soon became acquainted with Kon's other works as well: the touching story of three homeless men trying to protect an abandoned baby in Tokyo Godfathers; the exploration of celebrity and malevolent obsession in the stylish thriller Perfect Blue; and the visually sumptuous Millenium Actress, with its gorgeously rendered depiction of an earnest and timeless romantic yearning. Because of the sheer beauty of his work, Satoshi Kon has become my favorite anime director. That is why I was thrilled to see that his latest work was recently released in selected U.S. cities.

Satoshi Kon's latest film Paprika may be both his most visually stunning and most disturbing film to date. In the story, a revolutionary device called the DC-Mini, enables therapists to enter the dreams of a psychiatric patient in the hopes of understanding the patient's neurosis or psychosis. Even though the device is still in the experimental stages and is not yet approved by the government for clinical use, Dr. Atsuka Chiba, in the guise of her alter ego—a pretty and mysterious young red-headed woman known to her clients only as "Paprika"—is using it to help people without the knowledge of her superior, the enigmatic Chairman. The Chairman himself seems somewhat dubious, if not hostile, toward the technology.

Before the government is able to approve the DC-MINI for use, three of the prototypes are stolen by an unknown party. The inventor, a hyperbolically corpulent genius named Tokita, advises Dr. Chiba that the three stolen devices could potentially allow the thief to enter into the dreams of anybody hooked up to a psychotherapeutic computer. The Chairman sees this as an opportunity to pull the plug on the nascent technology. When other scientists from the lab begin to go mad with the deluded dreams of other psychiatric patients, it is discovered that anyone who has been exposed to the DC-MINI, whether currently connected to it or not, can be placed into a psychotic dream state even while still awake. It is then up to Dr. Chiba—and Paprika—to enter into the twisted dreamworld into which these scientists are trapped and try to discover the evil mastermind behind it all.

The dreamworld imagery is some of the most imaginative animation ever shown on the big screen. One particularly rich dream has a polychromatic parade of flute-playing frogs, dancing kitchen appliances and ominous Japanese dolls. Reality becomes fluid, with scene after scene melding into ever more imaginative sequences with dizzying rapidity as the imperilled heroine attempts to escape from one exquisitely detailed trap only to fall into another. The conspiracy is soon laid bare, leading to an apocalyptic confrontation between those wishing to heal the world and the one who seeks to enslave and control it.

The whole experience was both exciting and exhilaratingly disorienting. This movie stands as a beautiful reminder of why I became hooked on Japanese animation in the first place. More than any other form of animation, Japanese anime has consistently provided the most diverse and awe-inspiringly imaginative realms into which fans are able to immerse themselves. In this most magnificent of art forms, Satoshi Kon stands as one its most luminous geniuses.

This film is rated R for brief animated nudity and strongly disturbing imagery. Definitely not for kids!

Funny M$ "Surface" Commercial Parody

Take a gander at this, will ya?

Ah yes. An old-fashioned take on a modern-day theme:

Lou Costello Buys a Computer

Prom Queen...Season Two!!????!?!?!?

I just watched what I thought would be the final episode of Prom Queen wherein, I was foolish enough to believe, all mysteries would be revealed. But instead, The Creators pulled the ol' "stay tuned for season two" fakearoo. Such insolence!

This is the same nonsense they pulled with Sam Has 7 Friends (episodes can still be seen here). That show tantalized us with the tagline: "Samantha Breslow has seven friends. On December 15, 2006, one of them will kill her." I loved Sam, and watched religiously, awaiting the inevitable final Death Episode. When the final episode was posted, I was quite surprised to see that they did not reveal which of her friends had killed her, but instead gave a teaser for a second season of Sam in which all of Sam's friends would be murdered...except one. That sounded awesome! Who doesn't love six times the carnage in your favorite soap opera podcast? Only problem is, season two has yet to materialize.

The creators posted a message on the forum that big-time corporate honcho Michael Eisner (under whose watch the Disney Corporation distributed such heartwarming family classics as Pulp Fiction, Trainspotting, and Hellraiser: Bloodline) had agreed to produce a new series of theirs called Prom Queen. What is more, he had also purchased the rights to Sam season one and the options to Sam season two. The Creators also advised us that the "future of Sam is really dependent upon the success of Prom Queen." Now Prom Queen season one is over, but there is still no word from The Creators regarding the fate of Sam. That's right...Sam's death may forever remain an epic mystery, on a par with the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the identity of Jack the Ripper, or the recipe for Crystal Pepsi. All I can do is hope that the same fate doesn't befall Prom Queen. These podcast shows were quite innovative and intriguing. It would be quite distressing if the man responsible for unleashing Kazaam and Ernest Scared Stupid on an unsuspecting world were to pull the plug on these two exciting and interesting projects.

So, Michael Eisner, if you happen to read this, please have mercy. Even if you have to buy your Beluga caviar at Costco or maybe get your haircuts at Supercuts for a year, please do whatever you can to make sure that these shows have a chance to live and spread joy and rainbows to tens of thousands of people all across the internet! Please, if not for me, do it for the sake of this puppy:

Original source here. Some rights reserved.

The Start of It All

Howdy there, friends. Let's get this blog started off with a bang. What can I say about myself by way of introduction? First and foremost, my kung fu is the best! In case you are wondering...yes, I also have mad ninja skills. Not only that, but I've been known to stick to all the suckas, and my flow is totally dope. But enough about that.

I started this blog in the hopes of...I'm not sure what. When I was younger I felt like I just had so many important things to say about all the grave and pressing problems of the age, that I sometimes felt as if my heart would burst if I just didn't let it all out. Well, that's when I was young and dumb and thought that voting was the consummate act of meaningful self-expression. Wow...sometimes I wish that I could go backward in time and pimp-slap some sense into my head, but I have it on good authority (Jean-Claude van Damme's sci-fi masterpiece Timecop, for one) that "the same matter cannot occupy the same space," which is a fancy pseudo-scientific Hollywood way of saying that slapping my past idealistic self will result in some sort of cheesy CGI body-merging melting explosion-type thing.

Anyway, what I mean to say is that I have no illusions of being some sort of sage or prophet...although you are more than welcome to send me whatever offerings (cars, money, cigarettes, etc..) that you may deem necessary to obtain grace in my sight. Nevertheless, I hope that you, gentle readers, will find some amusement in some of the things I have to say. I thank you for tuning in.