In Remembrance of a Lost Love

Many years ago, I had an inexplicable infatuation for some bland, unimaginative, buttoned-down librarian type who liked non-kung-fu-related Chinese movies and who thought that rocking out to Aerosmith meant that she had a sassy, iconoclastic "wild" side. She told one of my friends that she felt that I was really intelligent, and that she often enjoyed talking to me because we had deep, interesting conversations, but that I was just too "immature" for her. I responded to this bit of news by telling my friend that this woman probably had cooties and that she was a stupid stinky girl anyway. Also, I may also have somewhat colloquially expressed a desire that she go engage in violent erotic congress with herself. I can't remember. I was a much angrier young man back then.

Not long after that, she married one of the most boring people I've ever met--some over-skinny, humorless, pasty-faced middle manager at the credit card company where we worked. I assume they now have 2.5 beautiful, boring children and live in a boring little house somewhere in Boringsville, AZ where they will live lives of quiet boredom until they can both retire to a boring retirement community in Boring Beach, Florida. Every morning at 5, they will have boring breakfast together, then split off for their boring days. He will go play boring geezer golf with other retired boring corporate middle-management types and reminisce about the various corporate down-sizings they experienced or barely escaped over the years. She will hang out with her boring granny friends and talk about the latest boring episode of American Pop Star, Inc. while knitting socks and ugly sweaters for the grandkids, and unattractive and boring but functional shawls for each other. Every Friday night, they will have a boring soup for dinner at 4, play a couple boring games of UNO, solve the boring newspaper crossword puzzle together, watch a boring rerun of CSI: Des Moines, then retire to bed promptly at 7.

And I will die young and good-looking in a steel cage match with a genetically-engineered velociraptor because I'm awesome and she's not.